How's your heart doing?

I could feel the cigarettes and the alcohol in your outbreath. You swore that you'd never have one again, I manage to mumble. Last week. I'm too tired to really mind. I can sense your tender smile behind my back. Just hurry, love, lie down beside me. You put your bare feet under the quilt and I make one of these whimpering sounds we've developed through the years. You laugh and I hear you unbelt your pants. The bathroom light switch. Toilet seat. Brushing teeth while humming one of the newest Belle and Sebastian's. Door closing, lights down. You lift the quilt and say something. A breath of chilly air accompanies you. You kiss my hair, whisper good night and a dozen I love yous.

Morning arrives with your arms around my body. You're still sleeping and I watch you breathe for a while. Drawing the contours of your beautiful face, of your milky skin, your softness. Following the slenderness, every line that I've grown to know. All the freckles and birth marks. Carefully remove your arm, get up and dress myself. Bathroom, no lights. Toilet. Mirror. Tired, shadows beneath my eyes. Forcing a smile, no difference. ”I was so young when i fell for you, must have shaped my heart.” Back to bed, lie down beside you, watching you breathe, your innocence, your unawareness (of my inner demons). You feel my presence, even when sleeping, even while dreaming. Your arm finds its way around me, embraces my shatterness. You're my new secret I've found. Near you nothing can harm me. I fall asleep again, with you by my side.

All this is just a fasade you say. You have this shield that protects you from being entered. It's a lie holding you back, negating you. You're a lack you say, therefore you cannot be presented. And you say that it gets harder with the happysmiles, although they prevent others from asking questions about your mourning heart. You stay inside, it's the only way of ensuring no witnessess for your tears. I become enslaved to your pain. I will never reach you, not from here. And the falling asleep beside you part is already overdue. This is not our life, dear. (But don't worry, I'm coming to get you.)